Oh I had dreams of being a painter

A studio to work in where nobody has any say about what's where and why. With nobody telling me what to do. I came close a few times but always lost it. Then lost everything. Now it appears I may be losing my health and body. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross comes to mind. No friends to talk to but what do I say? I'm afraid to die? I don't want to be stuck in a hospital. What do I do with my last few possessions? Is hell real? Mother Mary will you help me? Help your miserable scared child? Finding out that talking about it won't help and writing about it doesn't help at all and probably makes it worse and maybe hurts others. What a shitty reality.