I want the best for you (Steemit exclusive)
I have finally turned my facebook back on. I had a nice two month break away from the platform and I am thankful for it. I feel as if I can use the platform now without being sucked in and spending unnecessary energy on people and conversations that are inconsequential. I look forward to doing my best to push people away from facebook and towards decentralized platforms like Steemit.
In my time away from facebook I had several moments of clarity regarding the source of my stress and anxiety. I have written about how fb itself made me stressed out, but it would be wrong (and irresponsible) for me to place the blame on Mark Zuckerberg alone. I had to slow down and examine where my uncertainty comes from and why I feel like I am missing something.
Why do I feel like I am missing something? Why has this feeling stayed with me for so long?
I received the answers (or at least, part of the answer) on my birthday and on Christmas eve. Readers of this blog know that I spent my 33rd birthday in a beautiful, off-grid community in Costa Rica. While I was there celebrating my life, surrounded by wonderful people, I had a moment to reflect. It was one of those moments where you know something is weighing heavy on your heart and mind, and you’re not even sure you want to talk about it, but it spills out despite your best efforts. I was laying in bed with my partner, talking about my next year, and reflecting on the last year. Before I knew it I found myself talking about my birth father and how his absence has affected me.
For those who are unaware, this relationship (or lack thereof) is something I have openly discussed to crowds all around the U.S. and even now Mexico and Costa Rica. I won’t get too much into the details at this moment, but let me just say my father has been a drug addict and in and out of prison my entire life. As you can imagine this has affected me greatly. I even had my own struggles with drug addiction, prison, depression, and recovery. (I actually talked with @Lukewearechange a couple years ago about this issue).
Then, on Christmas I was driving to my mom's house - just cruising and being high- and the next thing I know I am thinking of him again.I felt overcome with sadness and knew that tears were coming. I decided to pull over immediately and allow myself to feel this moment. I have told myself I was over these pains, but it seems as if there is more healing to do.
In the last few years I have made huge strides in overcoming my emotional struggles and pains related to this relationship. As an adult I have even been able to counsel my birth father and offer him advice. It was an odd role reversal for me. I am not a parent and I don’t think I will ever be, but for a moment I acted like a father figure to my own birth father. I told him that I am an adult now and that I no longer need the father-son relationship I once thought I needed. I told him who I have become. He told me was proud of me. Then he asked me if I could help him score some cannabis. I love cannabis and appreciate the medicine and believe all people should have access to what they want. However, I have never had any fantasies about partying with my father. And that’s not the type of relationship I wanted.
So I turned him down. I said, “Man, I can’t help you. I want to be here for you, but not like that.” I told him that I hoped he could figure out what is at the root of his addiction and emotional trauma so he could live a life that doesn’t consist of prison and drugs. I looked him in the eyes, with tears streaming down my face, and said, “I want you to have a life. I want you to have more than this.’ He told me he was proud of me. Soon after that conversation he went to turn himself back into the authorities for another recent parole violation. He is now locked up again and will be out in a few months time.
No matter what I do, no matter how many drugs I do, how many times I have sex or distract myself with material possessions or accomplishments, nothing can fill this hole. That’s what I used to think. These days I know that I can fill myself up with love and value. I know that to be true, but I still struggle with wishing we could catch up. I wish I knew what it was like to call up a “dad’ and talk about life. But I don’t. And that’s fine. I know there is a huge opportunity for healing this year. And for that I am thankful. I hope he can heal this year as well.
Troy Broze, I want the best for you.
I am an investigative journalist and liberty activist; a Lead Investigative Reporter for ActivistPost.com and the founder of the TheConsciousResistance.com & The Houston Free Thinkers. I have also co-authored three books with @johnvibes: The Conscious Resistance: Reflections on Anarchy and Spirituality and Finding Freedom in an Age of Confusion, Vol. 1 and Finding Freedom in an Age of Confusion, Vol. 2
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I don't get the same feeling here on $teemIt.com as I did on FaceBook. I won't go back to FakeBook.
I thought I was the only one. Zuckerberg lately is considering making Facebook cypto based though.
You deserve the best!
As do you, and as do we all. Much love for you sister!
I feel the same way you do. I deactivate my Facebook sometimes to just take a break from it. And I always feel good when I do. However, I keep it since I have friends from all over and it's one way for us to keep in contact.
Same here I do facebook to promote my post and interact with folks not in steemit yet. True soemtimes facebook makes me sad. I learned not to keep up with the Jones @isharmaine
Beautifully written Derrick. I wish my father would have chosen to be a bigger part of my life, and I too work on filling the void inside of me that wishes I could have a meaningful relationship with him. I was lucky enough to have a grandpa who introduce me to the lasting value of comedy, which has helped me tremendously as I move forward in this experience. Thank you for sharing.
@claydo though they see we are from same trees I beg to disagree. We always have a choice to be better.
Quality content.. Nice
I too hope this will be a year of healing, and wish you both all the best. Any dad should be proud of the truths you've exposed and spread for the benefit of humanity. Saludos.
@cardoprimo no such thing as perfect person I learned to forgive my parents for things they didn't do well in my eyes. When o started looking at that direction I begin to see more to be thankful about
Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm happy to see you coming to terms with things and growing. Sending love to you and your dad. Welcome back to Facebook - now get the awake ones over here to Steemit! Steem on! :)
This is an inspiring article. At the end of it you are very lucky to have this chance late in life to come together in a different way, and be a guide for your father as an adult. In giving him the care he lacked, you are also giving it to yourself, and doing the work of healing your ancestral lineage.
Well written and well done.
I'm so happy to be on steemit now and find people like you and Luke and a bunch of others I haven't otherwise been hearing much from lately on facebook. :)
I am also equally grateful to this platform I have found friends who share my interest and also a platform I can express myself more
Thanks for sharing this, we are all going through a process of healing and longing to become whole, knowingly or not. As long as you have the intention of healing and transforming the past, healing will happen and many forgotten and hidden things will hit the light of awareness.
I believe not only our mind but also our body, our organs and very cells will store unpleasant and traumatic memories if we cannot emotionally digest what is happening at a certain moment.
This memory will become subconcious and might manifest as dis-ease and subtle physical symptoms.
These symptoms are in a way signs of our emotional subtle body wanting to be recognized and to be released.
So healing and becoming whole can only happen through remembering and releasing old unpleasant memories and thereby be released.
In this spirit, wishing you all the best, keep it up, I admire your work, please have an excellent year 2018!
Yes @ redgaruda we all get scared along the way but as the old book says beauty from ashes