Disruptor #9

Whilst working undercover at 'The Big Media Group' investigating the mysterious disappearance of several of my company's Software Testers, I had been summoned to the 'Big Boss's' office.

There I was confronted by a strangely handsome talking lizard before something warm and wet fell on my shoulder...

Read on for the continuation of...

I turned to face the beast that had latched on to my shoulder and near retched at the hideous sight before me.

It was a man. A large and lumbering man dressed in the most garish of clothing; a pale green suit, brown shoes and some kind of dark red neckerchief tied around his many, many chins.

Gaaargh?!

I threw up a hand to shield my beautiful eyes.

Jesmond, Jesmond Ratchforth. Were you admiring my beautiful lizard?

I peeked through the fingers of the hand that was shielding my eyes.

The bulbous man-thing was speaking to me as if we were two old friends that had just bought a camper van and were planning a trip to Europe.

I lowered my hand.

Your beautiful lizard?

I hoped fervently he wasn't referring to his penis.

Yes, a fine specimen don't you think?

Jesmond waddled wetly to the other side of the desk and sat down, the seat underneath him giving out a concerned creak. The lizard on his desk flicked its tongue out contemptuously at the air.

He and the lizard regarded me with heavy-lidded eyes.

Do take a seat. You look as if someone has shat in a tea-bag and asked you to boil the kettle!

Jesmond chuckled like a jowly Spaniel chewing a beef olive.

I narrowed one eye and scowled darkly whilst pulling out the chair opposite him and sitting.

Everything seemed to be unravelling and I realised I had best take back a modicum of control and show old Chinny Chin The Lizard Lord exactly who was boss here.

So, who's in charge here? You? Or him?

I waved a hand at Jesmond then the Lizard.

Jesmond chuckled again, harder this time.

What makes you think that either of us is in charge?

He smirked.

Who's a pretty boy?

I jerked in my chair. The voice that I had previously assumed was the Lizard speaking telepathically in my head had echoed out again.

Jesmond stretched out a hand to the side, in an odd, two-finger pointing gesture as if attempting to scare away a leaping vagina.

A large grey bird fluttered down as if from nowhere and onto his outstretched fingers.

Does the pretty boy want a biscuit?

It skrawked at me with a lecherous leer.

I realised I was being toyed with. The dark malevolent forces behind the abduction of our missing guys were obviously attempting to throw my good detectivity off the scent by luring me into a bloody menagerie. What next, a talking horse?

I don't need a biscuit from a parrot or a lick from a Lizard. I need answers. What do you want of me?

I addressed them all equally for I had no way of knowing which one of them was pulling the strings.

Jesmond's smile sagged a little.

Not an animal lover then?

He huffed, pushing the grey parrot onto a little perch at the side of the desk.

Oh, I've loved a few animals before and no mistake. But that is neither here nor there. Why did you ask me here? What is it you want of me?

I leaned forward whilst I spoke and checked that the teaspoon I had secreted in my sock was still in place. It was. Bingo, if things got ugly I could make a hell of a mess before they took me down. Starting with that fucking dead-eyed lizard.

Jesmond flicked a piece of paper on his desk at me.

It's quite simple, young man. We have been watching you. We want to offer you a job. Like we did to your fellows. Our terms are quite generous. What do you say?

I lifted the paper slowly from the desk where it had wafted down.

I scanned it. It was a job offer.

When I got to the proposed salary section my eyes grew wide.

They offered you how much?! Go on, what happened then?

It was later that evening. I was back in my old office speaking to my real boss, El Jefe and recounting the day's events.

Well, Boss Dawg. I told them that I had no wish to be slaughtered in the basement by monstrous lizards masquerading as humans as part of an evil plot to take over the world.

I said, casually flicking a paper clip at a nearby recycling bin and missing.

Seriously?!?

Sputtered El Jefe.

No, don't be silly. I told them I would be happy to accept their offer and that I would lick Donkey balls for that kind of money.

I pinged another paper clip, this one tinked off the side of the bin and fell in.

Seriously!??! You accepted?

El Jefe uttered a coughing bark as if his liver was attempting to escape out of his mouth.

I stood up from where I had been sitting. One more paper clip cocked in my fingers.

Maybe I did. Maybe you should make me a counter offer?

El Jefe's eyes bulged and he waved his hands around as if trying to catch a Spanish Fly.

A counter offer??! Are you mad? We don't have that kind of money?

I looked at him long and hard and raised my loaded paper clip up to chest height then let it fly, bouncing off El Jefe's tie.

You've got till the end of the week...