I think this is really good, great use of alliteration, has a good pace.
I like your use of onomatopoeia as well, this has a very strong visual composition, I think you write really well :)
I think this is really good, great use of alliteration, has a good pace.
I like your use of onomatopoeia as well, this has a very strong visual composition, I think you write really well :)
Thanks for the compliment but i guess it needs a little bit more of polishing to make it more catchy for the readers.